It is time to sound the depths of the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits. Below are the strangest, most awkwardly shaped, and least pleasant objects that America has shoved into its various holes. God bless us, everyone.
As always, objects are sorted by orifice, working south:
Rectum
- “USING A VIBRATOR LAST NIGHT, THOUGHT WAS INSERTING IN VAGINA, INTERRUPTED BY MOM & SAT UP QUICKLY, INSERTED IN RECTUM, CAN’T REMOVE”
- WINE CORK WRAPPED IN PAPER TOWELS, ELECTRICAL TAPE & A CONDOM
- 10 BROKEN CRAYONS
- FLASHLIGHT
- “PER WIFE PATIENT SAT DOWN ON A SCREWDRIVER AND IT WENT UP HIS RECTUM”
- 2 DILDOS
- “PUT A PENCIL UP RECTUM TO MAKE BOWEL MOVEMENT TO GET GAUZE PATIENT SWALLOWED TO COME OUT”
- PLASTIC MELATONIN BOTTLE
- POSSIBLE SHOT GLASS
- “RECTAL FISSURE MASTURBATING FOR HER BOYFRIEND USING A HAIRBRUSH IN HER RECTUM YESTERDAY”
- NAIL CUTICLE TOOL
- EGG TIMER
- CURTAIN ROD
- “ICE PICK IN RECTUM TO PUSH HEMORRHOIDS BACK IN”
- HANDLE OF A TOILET BOWL BRUSH
- HAMMER
- NUT AND BOLT
- “SMILEY HAND TOY FROM VENDING MACHINE, MOM NOTED A RUBBER HAND PROTRUDING FROM RECTUM”
- BINGO DAUBER
- BINGO CHIP
- DECORATIVE PUMPKIN
- BOWLING PIN
- “SHOESHINE CONTAINER ALLEGEDLY INTOXICATED DID NOT KNOW GF INSERTED OBJECT”
- TUB DRAIN CAP
- WIFE’S SIX INCH VIBRATOR
- BROOM HANDLE
- BASEBALL
- SALT SHAKER
- “MALE USING PLASTIC SEX TOY(VIBRATOR) THAT BROKE OFF IN RECTUM BUT LEFT WITHOUT TREATMENT”