Here is a fun list of my favorite nursing-related comments and the tongue-in-cheek comebacks I have managed to bite back in order to remain professional. Yes, some things are better left unsaid:
My top 10 responses to annoying patients
10. “Those scrubs make you look fat.”
Comeback: “You’re just jealous that I get to work in something akin to my pajamas!”
9. “All nurses are overpaid, fat and lazy.” (Yes, had a patient say this to me once. Then she gave me a “thank-you” gift.)
Comeback: “This fat, overpaid, lazy nurse just saved you and your baby’s life.”
8. “The floor is so quiet and peaceful!” (Especially irritating when yelled at 3AM by a newly admitted patient to a full floor.)
Comeback: “I have Micropore tape and I’m not afraid to use it!”
7. Patient states, “The nurses just hang out at the nurses station and play on their computers.”
Comeback: “If 14 hours of continuous charting, about you, on the computer amounts to play, I’d like to know what you think work is?”
6. “It must be so cool to work in an environment like _____.” (Insert TV shows like House, ER, Scrubs, etc.)
Comeback: “No, what would be really cool is if there was a TV show that showed the reality of nursing minus the soap opera–‘cuz it ain’t sexy.”
5. “The doctors are so cute! Is it true they only date nurses?”
Comeback: “The doctors don’t look so cute at 2AM when they are disheveled, covered in blood and screaming at the nurses. Just sayin’.”
4. After getting a patient something to drink or eat; “Wow, you are just like a waitress.” Or even better, “This place is just like a hotel!”
Comeback: “A waitress in a hotel wouldn’t put up with your crap. Literally.”
3. “It must be so nice only working three days a week.”
Comeback: “It must be so nice not to be burned out due to sleep deprivation and stress.”
2. “#$@% ^&^ %**&^!!!!!” (insert expletives, possibly in combination with rude hand gestures)
Comeback: “#$@% ^&^ %**&^!!!!!” (insert expletives, possibly in combination with rude hand gestures)
1. And lastly, the ultimate “compliment”:”You are so good, you should have become a doctor!”
Comeback: “Honey, you couldn’t pay me to become a doctor!”
Runner up: “We all ordered out but forgot to ask you because you looked so busy!”
This one never warrants a comeback–just payback for next time! 🙂